Suffocating

From since before I learned to speak, I found the act of living pointless. What was the point of moving your arms when your mother swaddled you tighter and made them go still? What was the point of screaming to drown out the shouting when it made them shout back louder? What was the point of repeating the monotonous jaw motion of chewing to tame a mechanical hunger? Why differentiate beef and pork when everything is chicken? Why should I follow my parents when I have my own legs?

What is wrong with this world? Ever since I had been born, I asked this question every day.

Society confused me. I thought, with all of these colorful people waltzing to and fro, people who came in different shapes and sizes, they would burst into unique songs, and someone could give me an answer about the meaning of rainbows. Each person speaks with their own accent and their own voice, until they spoke to me. Then they all sounded arrogant.

The thing I hate the most is the condescension. As if repeating the rules could freeze the rules solid. When a parent stomps their foot or turns a cold shoulder, those say much more than some rules. Why do people scream so much about rules? Why do they worship chains, and what are they trying to lock up? Do we hide secrets from each other, and keep our stash of pleasure to ourselves, and refuse to share? What drives someone to smile or frown? If only I could find out how to untangle these rituals.

I often said to my mother, “I want you to leave me alone! I hate you and I will kill you if you come closer!” Imagine that a much bigger creature storms up to you and responds, “No, I won’t leave you alone because you said the words ‘hate’ and ‘kill.’ I need to teach you a lesson about disrespect.” Why do you need to teach me a lesson at this particular moment? What lesson could you possibly teach that is worth anything? You know I’m just exaggerating? Why are other people allowed to joke around with the words ‘hate’ and ‘kill’ but I’m not? We can have a discussion about word choice later, so why do you have your panties in a bunch? Why do you care about words so much? I found myself making shorter statements to save my breath. Sometimes I skipped the part about asking to leave me alone: “I’ll kill you!”

“I won’t leave you alone because you punched a hole in the wall.”

“I won’t leave you alone because you threatened to commit suicide, and I care about you.”

“I won’t leave you alone because I know how hard it is for you to find someone that understands you.”

“I won’t leave you alone because you’re going to run off and do something dumb.”

This is what the majority of human beings are. They are egotistical maniacs. None of them accept ‘No’ for an answer, none of their brains can comprehend a single word, much less a simple sentence. I wonder if they just enjoy ignoring you or if they understand better when you pierce their buttholes instead of their ears.

I punched a dent in the wall because the pain in my knuckles is a small price to pay for my relief. But you know what? I’m scolded for expressing myself. I’m scolded while I’m fixing it. I get it, it takes money to fix a hole and it’s inconvenient, but it’s just a fucking wall. It’s not like I punched your throat. What is the point of making amends when people still hate you? I don’t want to go through the trouble just to be piled with more vitriol. I fixed the wall, okay? What other “fixing” is there? Oh, I can’t do anything right? Fine.

There came a day when the big bullies were not so big anymore, a day that I was more capable. I’ve tried words, and words accomplish nothing. They are hindrances to anyone who knows how to get shit done. Think about it before you call me a remorseless killer.